La Ville-Lumière

Finally, Paris. We got here late, went to dinner late, and I had my first onion soup in the entire trip. David is the only one of us that hasn't been to Paris before so we walked around with him a little bit. We're close to the Rue de Rivoli which runs along the Louvre and other sights. There's a big fair mounted up in the Tuleries gardens. We couldn't see much but we kept walking until we got to the site of the Louis Philipe obelisk. All the famous buildings in Paris are lit up. On one, only the French flag is illuminated (David called it awe inspiring). After probably the most stressful afternoon of the trip (hard to believe, even after such a nice morning) I got here wanting to leave and never come back. Go hide in a hovel. Standing there by the obelisk and the fountains looking at the Arc de Triomphe, some random Romanesque buildings...I couldn't stay mad at Paris for too long. And the temperature is just right. I felt like I was at Epcot when I was little waiting for the fireworks. We walked around there in complete darkness just looking at the pretty lights on a crisp cool evening.

Of course, on our way back I stepped on a wad of gum that is still on my shoe.

Stupid gum glob or not, I'm sad. I tell myself I'm mourning what this trip could have been. A nice opportunity to see a different country with family. But since everything with my family is so complicated and strained and difficult, I really can't enjoy myself. It has a lot to do with how wound up I am about anything in life and how relaxed is not my normal state. So to me, all of this traveling feels like one giant waste of money. Why pay to travel to an expensive foreign country with a better coin and strange food where I'll be three times as stressed as I am during October at Yale? Trips make me feel trapped and childish with a complete lack of independence. I don't even have any money on me. Did you hear that petty thieves? Now is the time to steal my bag because I left my kindle in the room and my bag is *empty*. Seriously. I don't have even a Euro centime. I have an American Express card (cue laugh track).

So now we're in Paris seeing it at night quietly and calmly. I finally feel like I'm in that magic pretty city we've all heard about. Not the dusty oven that I saw before. And I'm sad because we're only here three days. I'm sad because it looks like I won't be traveling for a really long time (especially since traveling with my family is rapidly running out of the picture). And even though I felt warm and happy hugging my mom while David looked around and felt all inspired, I'm sad because I'm not here with someone else. When I was little, I thought it was written in stone that I would study abroad in Paris once I got to college. I would eat cheese, perfect my French, dress à la mode française. Of course, my predictions have been wrong before (I didn't have a big poofy quinceañera dress with a party and the requisite boyfriend that all quinceañaras have to have as viewed by my preteen eyes). But this one felt like it was going to happen and was within my reach. And now I've lost that feeling.

Tomorrow I will feel really happy at some points and incredibly miserable at others. I'll most likely think back on this moment and realize that I'm exaggerating. But...maybe I've jumped too soon into grad school.